Do's and Don'ts When Supporting Bereaved Families

Losses on the Journey to Parenthood are a Unique Loss.

Though we mean well, sometimes our attempts to comfort a loved one in their time of loss causes more heartache. Saying nothing at all can be equally as hurtful. The following tips are meant to help your words be truly supportive and to alleviate some of the anxiety around "saying the wrong thing" as you care for your friend or family member who has endured pregnancy and infant loss, including infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death and ending a wanted pregnancy.

HURTFUL LANGUAGE

  • At least…

  • Everything happens for a reason

  • Time heals all wounds

  • It’s going to be okay

  • God has a plan

  • You are young, you can have more children

  • At least you can get pregnant

  • Be thankful you have other children

  • Let go, move on

HELPFUL LANGUAGE

  • I love you

  • I am so sorry

  • I am here to support you

  • I would do anything to take this pain away

  • If you would like to talk about how you are feeling, I’m here to listen.

PLEASE DO NOT

  • Offer cliches

  • Judge or impose your beliefs

  • Compare losses

BASIC FACTS ABOUT PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS

  • 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss- however, the number may be as high as 50%.

  • Approximately 24,000 babies annually will be stillborn (>20 weeks gestation). An additional 23,000 infants will die within the first 28 days of life.

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND

Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries- such as those of the baby’s death or due date- are especially difficult. Let the parents know that you are thinking of them and their baby on these special days with a card, small gift, candles, or a contribution to a meaningful charity. Please be open and accepting of however they choose to celebrate these holidays, even if they decide not to participate.

The grieving process is never over, and parents are always grateful for your kindness. Months and years after the baby has passed away, it can be helpful to continue to send “thinking of you” cards or thoughtful gifts.

Don’t be offended if the bereaved parents do not respond.

MORE HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS

  • Arrange for a meal delivery, meal gift cards, or grocery gift cards.

  • Refer to them as parents- as they are, even if they do not have a living child- and acknowledge them on Mother’s and Father’s Days.

  • Make sure to remember, ask about, and care for the partner, as they are also grieving.

  • If appropriate, ask the parents to tell you about their baby: what was their baby’s name, how did their baby die, what do they remember about their baby?

  • if they named their baby, use the baby’s name.

  • If appropriate, ask to see a photograph of their baby; tell them their baby is beautiful.

  • Be present- listen, and sit with them.

  • Ask what would feel healing or helpful.

  • If they have living children, offer to take the children for outings and let the parents have time to grieve alone or together.

  • Don’t say “I’m here for you” or “reach out if you need anything.” They do need support. Text them and tell them you’re thinking of them.

  • Read the book Bridging the Grief Gap for ideas on ways to support and be present, a gift the bereaved will be eternally grateful for.

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